Monday, February 13, 2012
2.Kukaa kiti cha mbele karibu na dereva kisha unamwambia konda shusha.
3. Kumwamsha mgonjwa ili umpe dawa ya usingizi.
4.Kupigiwa simu halafu unaangalia balance yako.
5.Kutafuta remote ya TV kwa dk 10 wakati tv ipo karibu yako.
6.Kupunguza sauti ya radio ili usome sms.
Friday, July 22, 2011
One afternoon a husband arrived home with sad news for his wife...
Husband: Wife, I just received a call, mother(mama) passed away. Shall we go to town and get some necessities for the funeral? Please write a list and then we can go.
Wife: A list won't be necessary, we'll just get 2 cabbages & 2 liters of cooking oil.
Husband: Is it going to be enough?
Wife: No need to waste money, of course its going to be enough!(They left for town and after getting two cabbages and 2 liters of cooking oil, the husband asked his wife again if that was all. She emphasised the issue of not wasting money on the funeral. They the hit the road towards the village and where the road branches to different villages, the husband driving, took a turn to his wife's home.)
Wife: Where are we going, thought you said we are going to the funeral, your mother passed away.
Husband: Yes we are; its YOUR mother who passed away.
Wife (shocked & crying): But that grocery is not enough! Lets go back and get some more stuff!
Husband: NO! I asked you over and over if it was all that was needed and you said "yes"; so we are not going back!
Moral: The word of God apply to every facet of our lives, whether we believe it or not. Greed is one of God's enemies...Be Blessed friends, and remember
Friday, June 17, 2011
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and fainting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
An example of why we should wait until our kids finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions ג€¦
and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let
my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He
tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but
this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual,"
and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple'
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready ready in a couple of secs..."
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Idler : One who gets paid for reading such mails......
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .**
MARIA: **Here it is.** **
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?**
CLASS: Maria. **
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?**
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. **
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'**
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' **
TEACHER: No,that's wrong**
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. **
(I Love this kid)** **
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?**
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. **
TEACHER: What are you talking about?**
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.**
WINNIE: Me! **
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?** **
GLEN: ** Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '**
MILLIE: I is.. **
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'**
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'** **
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.** **
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?**
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?** **
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The daughter, crying:
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.. ."
"WHAT?????? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club .. an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera , and ...
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" .. Sniff, sniff
"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said