Who Is An Idiot?

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and fainting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"

Kids...

*Kids **Are **Quick** **
______________________________

______** **

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .**
MARIA: **Here it is.** **
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?**
CLASS: Maria. **
____________________________________** **

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?**
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. **
__________________________________________** **

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'**
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' **
TEACHER: No,that's wrong**
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. **

(I Love this kid)** **
____________________________________________** **

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?**
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. **
TEACHER: What are you talking about?**
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ **

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.**
WINNIE: Me! **
__________________________________________ **

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?** **
GLEN: ** Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________ **

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '**
MILLIE: I is.. **
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'**
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'** **
________________________________ **

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?**
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.** **
______________________________________ **

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?**
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________ **

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?** **
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________**

kaaaazi kweli kweli!!!

A kid, after being shouted at by his mom (sitting sadly) Dad : What happened son? Kid : Dad, I can’t handle your wife anymore! I want my own wife!

Fill in the Blanks

who said English is easy fill in the blanks with yes or no....
____ i don't have brain
____i am stupid

EXCLUSION CLAUSE

A man, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be..

He had divorced his wife, lost his children, lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the
concrete wall swearing,
'You are the reason I don't have a wife',
second bottle, 'You are the reason I don't have my children',
third bottle 'You are the reason I lost my job'.

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer.
He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says
'I know you were not involved'.

Job Application...

Dear Sir

I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to
replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more.

It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.

The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves.

I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known

Yours ever smiling even in tough times.

Toughman Strong.

Prescription....

I love Gado....

Its in the Bible: Men should make Cofffee for the Mrs! ....

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"... lolest

Gado again...

Gado...!!!

Exams results ni stress

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the
pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened
the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving
home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Kibunja because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with him and he is so nice to me. I know when
you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, dreadlocks,
and rastafarian clothes. But it's not only the
passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Kibunja said that he wants me to have the kid
and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Kibunja is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these
days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the
way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Kibunja has a great CD collection (mùgithi); he already owns 4 acres in the
Mau and has a stack of firewood for the whole el-nino season. It's true he
has
other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in
his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one
of my dreams too.

Kibunja taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be
growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends at the coast for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Kibunja can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Ciku.


At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report form
that's in the book on the bed . Please sign it and call when it is safe for
me to come home.

__._,_.___

Beers...