Whatever that you want it done to you; do it to others!!!

One afternoon a husband arrived home with sad news for his wife...

Husband: Wife, I just received a call, mother(mama) passed away. Shall we go to town and get some necessities for the funeral? Please write a list and then we can go.

Wife: A list won't be necessary, we'll just get 2 cabbages & 2 liters of cooking oil.

Husband: Is it going to be enough?

Wife: No need to waste money, of course its going to be enough!(They left for town and after getting two cabbages and 2 liters of cooking oil, the husband asked his wife again if that was all. She emphasised the issue of not wasting money on the funeral. They the hit the road towards the village and where the road branches to different villages, the husband driving, took a turn to his wife's home.)

Wife: Where are we going, thought you said we are going to the funeral, your mother passed away.

Husband: Yes we are; its YOUR mother who passed away.

Wife (shocked & crying): But that grocery is not enough! Lets go back and get some more stuff!

Husband: NO! I asked you over and over if it was all that was needed and you said "yes"; so we are not going back!

Moral: The word of God apply to every facet of our lives, whether we believe it or not. Greed is one of God's enemies...Be Blessed friends, and remember

Whatever that you want it done to you; do it to others!!!

Definitions

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Idler : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Auditor...

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ''You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'

The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'

The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. 'Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..... Now can I have my dog back?'

PERFECT ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS....

1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?
A: No! I'm training to die:s

2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:- Need it to be fixed?
A: No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride. >:O

3. When It's raining and someone notices you going out, they ask: - Are you going out in this rain?
A: No, in the next one.=-?

4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you: - You Awake?
A: No. I'm sleep walking!(=|

5. Your friend calls your home phone:- Where are you?
A: At the bus stop!:/

6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:- Did you just have a bath?
A: No, I fell in the toilet bowl! 8-|

7. You are standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor and they ask:- Going up?
A: No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come down and get me. (y)

8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:- are those Flowers?
A: No baby! They are Carrots.:*

9. You're in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking: - Is anyone in there?
A: No! The SHIT is talking to you!
>:/

Ujumbe wa leo...

Sometimes the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical

Blessed!!!!

This is an expression of God's Unpredictable plans…………….!!!!

Cover them Lord and supply their needs according to your riches in glory. Bless their hearts always! Beautiful! Had to share....this is BEAUTIFUL!! BLACK LOVE!!

This has got to be the picture of the year….truly awesome! Please pass this one along….. that’s it for the day!


This is the Columbus, Ohio family that just had the sixtuplets, this picture is priceless!

Red-carded footballer drives car at referee

A footballer faces jail after admitting driving his car onto the pitch and at the referee after being sent off.

Joseph Rimmer was red carded by referee David Harkness for a ferocious tackle while playing for Lonsdale against Harrington in the Southport and District Sunday League on Valentine's Day.

The 28-year-old was furious at being dismissed, and stormed off the pitch - then stunned players and supporters by jumping into his car and driving back onto the field of play.

RImmer admitted driving his car at Harkness on the council-run pitches in Southport, forcing the referee to dive out of the way at the last minute to avoid being run over.

Defence lawyer Philip Tully told Liverpool Crown Court that his client saw red and was trying to have the match called off.

"He drove on to the pitch in an attempt to get the match abandoned," said Tully.

"He accepts he drove towards the referee and his comments and threats to the referee when he got out the car amount to affray.

"He understands this is a serious matter. What happened was highly unpleasant for Mr Harkness."

Judge Adrian Lyon bailed Rimmer - who has no previous convictions - pending sentencing on condition that he stay away from local league football matches and Mr Harkness.

African Leaders

AFRICAN LEADERS

Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________

THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS

Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
DIFFERENCE: 25 years

Marriage Life: Complete & Finish

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH...



But there is. When u marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....



And when u marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....



And when the right one catches u with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY
FINISHED

Warren Buffett

Ramadhan Karim

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert.
One is David, the other is Michael.
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate with a mosque in the middle.
David said to Michael: "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself "Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name, he said:" My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am. ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.
David said: "My name is Mohammed."
Michael said: "My name is Michael."
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
"Please bring some food and water for Michael only."
Then he turned to the other and said :
"Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."
"This is a lesson for people who change their identity for the purpose of getting favour "
INTEGRITY IS DOING WHAT IS RIGHT EVEN IF NOBOBY IS WATCHING:

Confession...!

House on the road...

DNA test....!!!!

Ofisi ya Mkemia Mkuu wa Serikali, imesema nusu ya watu waliokwenda kupima vinasaba (DNA) kutokana na kuwa na mashaka haya na yale, vipimo vimeonyesha kuwa si wazazi halisi wa watoto waliopimwa.

Hayo yalisemwa jana jijini Dar es Salaam na Mkuu wa Vifaa na Matengenezo wa ofisi hiyo, Emmanuel Gwae, wakati akizungumza katika maonyesho ya biashara yanayofanyika katika viwanja vya Kumbukumbu ya Mwalimu Julius Nyerere.

Alisema tangu huduma hiyo ianze kutolewa na taasisi hiyo mwaka 2005, watu zaidi ya 2,000 walifika kupata vipimo kujua uhalisia wa watoto wao.

Alisema karibu nusu ya watu hao waliofika na kupimwa ilibainika kuwa watoto waliokuwa nao hawakuwa wa kwao.

Alisema idadi ya watu wanaokwenda kupata vipimo imekuwa ikiongezeka kuliko miaka iliyopita.

“Huduma hii ni kama imechelewa maana watu wanakuja kwa wingi sana kupima uhalisia wa watoto wao na wengi wanaopimwa wanakuta watoto si wao,” alisema.

Alisema kuna sababu nyingi zinazoweza kusababisha matokeo hayo ikiwemo kubadilishana watoto wakati wa kujifungua.

Alisema katika hospitali zenye mlundikano mkubwa wa wanawake wanaojifungua, baadhi ya wanawake kwa makusudi wanaweza kuwabadilishia wenzao watoto.

Alisema hali hiyo pia inaweza kutokea hata bila kukusudia kutokana na mazingira ya hospitali.

Alisema vipimo vya DNA hugharimu shilingi 300,000 na mhusika anaweza kupata majibu ndani ya wiki moja.

Alisema kabla ya mhusika kwenda kupata vipimo lazima apeleke kwa mkemia barua kutoka mahakamani, kwa wakili au ofisi ya ustawi wa jamii na kueleza sababu ya kutaka kupima.

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