Whatever that you want it done to you; do it to others!!!

One afternoon a husband arrived home with sad news for his wife...

Husband: Wife, I just received a call, mother(mama) passed away. Shall we go to town and get some necessities for the funeral? Please write a list and then we can go.

Wife: A list won't be necessary, we'll just get 2 cabbages & 2 liters of cooking oil.

Husband: Is it going to be enough?

Wife: No need to waste money, of course its going to be enough!(They left for town and after getting two cabbages and 2 liters of cooking oil, the husband asked his wife again if that was all. She emphasised the issue of not wasting money on the funeral. They the hit the road towards the village and where the road branches to different villages, the husband driving, took a turn to his wife's home.)

Wife: Where are we going, thought you said we are going to the funeral, your mother passed away.

Husband: Yes we are; its YOUR mother who passed away.

Wife (shocked & crying): But that grocery is not enough! Lets go back and get some more stuff!

Husband: NO! I asked you over and over if it was all that was needed and you said "yes"; so we are not going back!

Moral: The word of God apply to every facet of our lives, whether we believe it or not. Greed is one of God's enemies...Be Blessed friends, and remember

Whatever that you want it done to you; do it to others!!!

Who Is An Idiot?

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and fainting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"

Don't Aussume

An example of why we should wait until our kids finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions ג€¦

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,
and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"


"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let
my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He
tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.


Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"


And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but
this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual,"
and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...


The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple'
and 'Sex'?"


"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready ready in a couple of secs..."

Definitions

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Idler : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Kids...

*Kids **Are **Quick** **
______________________________

______** **

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .**
MARIA: **Here it is.** **
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?**
CLASS: Maria. **
____________________________________** **

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?**
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. **
__________________________________________** **

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'**
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' **
TEACHER: No,that's wrong**
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. **

(I Love this kid)** **
____________________________________________** **

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?**
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. **
TEACHER: What are you talking about?**
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ **

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.**
WINNIE: Me! **
__________________________________________ **

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?** **
GLEN: ** Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________ **

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '**
MILLIE: I is.. **
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'**
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'** **
________________________________ **

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?**
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.** **
______________________________________ **

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?**
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________ **

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?** **
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________**

....what??

"Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"

The daughter, crying:

"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.. ."

"WHAT?????? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club .. an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera , and ...

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" .. Sniff, sniff

"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said

"A Protestant".

Auditor...

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ''You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'

The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'

The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. 'Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..... Now can I have my dog back?'

for you....

hii gari ni nzima tatizo body tu.

Out Smarted!

ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY. IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST. THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME. ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS: MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION INSTRUCTIONS: All questions are compulsory. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among he four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark. Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended----- (30 Marks) Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 Marks) Q.4. Which tyre burst ----------------- (28 marks) Q.5. Who was driving------------------ (20 marks) END OF PAPER

kaaaazi kweli kweli!!!

A kid, after being shouted at by his mom (sitting sadly) Dad : What happened son? Kid : Dad, I can’t handle your wife anymore! I want my own wife!

Key Features of Mediation

Tom and Jerry Episode 3

Happy New Year (ABBA)