Who Is An Idiot?

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and fainting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"

Don't Aussume

An example of why we should wait until our kids finished speaking, before jumping to conclusions ג€¦

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,
and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"


"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let
my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He
tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.


Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"


And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but
this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual,"
and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...


The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple'
and 'Sex'?"


"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready ready in a couple of secs..."

Definitions

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Idler : One who gets paid for reading such mails......