Red-carded footballer drives car at referee

A footballer faces jail after admitting driving his car onto the pitch and at the referee after being sent off.

Joseph Rimmer was red carded by referee David Harkness for a ferocious tackle while playing for Lonsdale against Harrington in the Southport and District Sunday League on Valentine's Day.

The 28-year-old was furious at being dismissed, and stormed off the pitch - then stunned players and supporters by jumping into his car and driving back onto the field of play.

RImmer admitted driving his car at Harkness on the council-run pitches in Southport, forcing the referee to dive out of the way at the last minute to avoid being run over.

Defence lawyer Philip Tully told Liverpool Crown Court that his client saw red and was trying to have the match called off.

"He drove on to the pitch in an attempt to get the match abandoned," said Tully.

"He accepts he drove towards the referee and his comments and threats to the referee when he got out the car amount to affray.

"He understands this is a serious matter. What happened was highly unpleasant for Mr Harkness."

Judge Adrian Lyon bailed Rimmer - who has no previous convictions - pending sentencing on condition that he stay away from local league football matches and Mr Harkness.

Pay Rise

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid: “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house: “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid: “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the gardener did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

African Leaders

AFRICAN LEADERS

Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________

THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS

Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
DIFFERENCE: 25 years

Nice..!

Marriage Life: Complete & Finish

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH...



But there is. When u marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....



And when u marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....



And when the right one catches u with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY
FINISHED

ENJOY.........

Each Friday night after work, Sardarji would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardarji and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Sardarji attended Mass... And as the priest sprinkled holy water
over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised as a Sikh, but from now, you are a Catholic."

Sardarji's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.

The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Sardarji's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Sardarji, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised as a chicken and you were raised as a lamb but now onwards you are a potato and you are a tomato..

Fill in the Blanks

who said English is easy fill in the blanks with yes or no....
____ i don't have brain
____i am stupid